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Setting and Maintaining Your Boundaries

by PathofthePhoenix

Only you can ignore your boundaries. If your boundary is being ignored by another person that’s not a boundary, that’s an expectation. Boundaries are “what you will do” if xyz happens. Expectations are what you “want other people to do.

A lot of people have a definition of a boundary that is closer to a definition for expectation until they are in counseling or self help communities. You can not control anyone. Another person will always do what they will do. You can’t get them to comply or force them even with strong expectations. You can request. You can even communicate what you will do if they do xyz. When you decide what you will do if someone does xyz then that is a boundary and only you can ignore what you decided you will do.

Expectations have a strong propensity to lead us to suffering. Boundaries we stick to have a strong likelihood of leading us towards the life we want even if it means we have to mourn some losses at first for awhile.

A boundary is you honoring your needs. An expectation is you rejecting someone else’s right to autonomy. Do you want someone to comply with your expectation if they must do so in a way that they will feel resentment within themselves to meet that expectation for you?

When we demand requests are met with yes from a sense of force, guilt or shame often then you will see that resentments grow in the presence of these types of yes that are not completely freely given.

Expectations are a form of forcing a yes to our needs and wants by a person who doesn’t actually want to meet our needs and wants.

When setting and enforcing boundaries you need to ask yourself this super hard to answer question; but I encourage you to look deep within for the answer.

What need of yours is getting met by not enforcing your boundary?

There is a need in you, several actually. Some are being expressed by the boundaries you wish were being met, other needs you have are being met by you ignoring your boundary. Once we get honest with ourselves it starts to get clearer. This is a very early step in a series of steps for meeting our needs effectively.

Can you identify from the list above both the needs you wish were being met and the needs you are meeting by not being firm in your boundary?

For myself, if it’s a fear based response it’s a past trauma trigger and I need to work through what is triggering me.

If what’s pushing against your boundary isn’t inline with where you desire to be, that’s an indication that you need to re-evaluate.

You know yourself best. Remember, as you become happier and more confident and raise your vibration, those who haven’t will do one of two things. Rise with you, or try to pull you back down to their level of harmony and discomfort. The choice is then yours as to whether you allow this.

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